why oh why...

so I left a frozen food in a drawer at work...it melted...there were important documents in there...I cleaned up the mess but the papers are stuck together...now my anxiety level is climbing higher and higher and higher each time I think about it. I don't know what to do...and I'm stressing to the point of not getting anything done. This is dangerous seeing as I have stuff due at the end of the semester...aaaaahhhhh

...

I hurt myself today. I thought it would help, I
thought it would ease, slide right into the nothing
that just seems to call…one echo…one shout.
I hurt myself today, and in my pain I feel vindicated,
I feel alive. Like Christ on the cross, I in my bed
and one step closer to divinity, one breath away from
salvation.
I have forsaken you, I have thrown you to the rabble
where the dust rises to blind the eyes and shut the
ears; where dust enters my body as it ascends into
heaven, and becomes one with the light, one little
particle floating in the air…one forgotten ash.
I focus on the pain, a sense that I’m alive. Like
evening slides into morning, silently, softly, the
pain slides through my body, one action begetting a
reaction; the tears blur reality before my eyes
blinding me to my dreams.
I open my eyes, my breath slips by my lips, the pain
hammering through my veins, the dust swirling at my
feet. I blanket my face with hands that have seen the
days and felt the years. My body shakes, aches and
shivers, for what is left of this frail and lonely
body?
I have hurt myself today…I thought it would help…I
have hurt myself today, and all that is left is this
empty promise and all that is left is this empty body.

Time runs on, in the end, you have fooled me. In the
end I am left with a frail body and a weak mind. All
I have left are memories of youth of strength of long
forgotten dreams blanketed in bitter fog.
I gnaw at my lips and twist my hands, my belly churns
and my brain aches. It seems impossible to imagine
the possibilities that were aborted in the nightmare
of invincibility. It seems impossible to accept that
I was once this young.

And what was left of his spirit ascended into heaven.
And what was left of his screams was shattered in
peaces in the wind. They fluttered, flew and
meandered with every gust of wind; a lovers breath
caressing propelled his scream into eternity. And so
it was that he lived, and so it is that we all live.
One echo at a time, in one breath, in one body.

thoughts

Eloquent words, speak through my mind—disjointed, fragmented.

Thoughts replaced with sights; sights obstructed by feelings

Feelings deadened by cruelty.

Fleeting feelings impressed upon the mind…formed into tiny engravings

Ethereal flutterings of thoughts wings…fire burning…deep and damp.

Joy, horrible joy…grips me…without release….

My body burns, it yearns…deadened by its yearning.

Close my eyes, release…into dreams and visions…unseen…unwelcomed

They intrude…words, thoughts and deeds…back into the foyer…unbidden

I expell, my breath, my being…into the air, into…an unseen existance

I let go, dissolve like sugar into water…oddly metallic…oddly joined

Traces left in the fluid space…traces abandoned to creation…

The Creator sees…the creator tastes…unbidden, unseen.