I don't get it...

I don't get it...not one whit not one ounce...

I want to go inside myself and not have to depend on anyone for anything. I feel that I'm needy and searching people out. I feel awkward and unloved. I feel guilt and I feel all these bad feelings.

communication

I WILL PURPOSELY WRITE IN ALL CAPS. THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT THEY TELL ME THAT THEY WANT ME TO 'COMMUNICATE' MORE AND MAKE ME FEEL BAD BECAUSE i DON'T COMMUNICATE BUT WHEN i DO THEY CALL ME ON IT AND i SAY FUCK YOU YOU STUPID ASSHOLES GO FUCK YOURSELF AND THIS IS WHY i'M NOT GOING TO COMMUNICATE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. i DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO TO STUPID MOVIE NIGHT THEY CAN SUCK IT BECAUSE IT BECAME CO OPTED AND i COULDN'T INVITE THE PEOPLE i WANTED TO INVITE AND INSTEAD IT BECAME SOMETHING ELSE

stop focusing on the social and get to work on the work

let go of ambiguity stop trying to guess and understand you create false narratives and assumptions and you fall in their crevice and craters
if someone did not say hello then it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their mindframe just let go and move on and breathe focus on the things that matter the most focus on what will get you through the day

this way lies danger

negative thoughts bog down the mind...twist and turn in labarynthian spectacle
slow slow steady course before taking another step. close the mind open up the airways and breate deeply slowly so that it reaches the tips of your pores so that it invades your fingers and skin cells hold it then release
a woosh of dangerous danderous thoughts exhaled and relseased

What is Important

Cool calm and collected
cool calm and collected

maintenance

it's hard for me to maintain and sustain my energy level. I'm constantly attacked by doubts and insecurities. Mainly right now what is the most difficult to do is to be able not forgive myself for messing up. I almost want to give up and go somewhere else. But I'm never going to get better, be better do more be more. So I need to keep myself movitvated and continuing going :)

Organizational Mistakes

I cant for the life of me organize my life. It becomes one big blur and I feel frustrated. There is this feeling that overcomes me, like this uncontrolability of the future and it seems impossible for me to believe that in the future I will be doing the same exact thing. I begin to think, if I start keeping my room clean, I'm going to have to do this X amount of time and my mind wanders to the future and I get freaked, either discouraged because I know I cant do it, or the idea that I will be doing this in X amount of time. The sad reality is that I have been doing something for X amount of time and sustaining it: being unorganized.

My unorganization is costing me my career. I have worked my ass off to be where I am at, and I seem to be faltering in the last steps. So how can I concretely organize my life so that I am able to do the most out of it? I don't know and that makes me anxious and want to avoid. The anxiety is kind of killing me. My hands tremble there are knots in my stomach and I feel like I need to run and sit still. Like I want to get out of my skin, like my mind can take this free falling leave of my body. But of course it cant, and so I avoid.

I wait for a miracle or a saviour or both mainly becuase I do not believe in the power of me.
I do not want to leave this blog on this note, I want to instead look towards the future and look towards my goals what is important for me and what I need to do to get my life back on track.

One is: it's ok to be nervous, it's ok to be scared. Now take all those emotions and channel them towards the important thigns in life.
If graduate school and my career is important, then prioritize that instead of avoiding it.
First step: breathe and take stock of what needs to be done.
I need to finish my notes for my couples
I need to organize my thesis/manuscript and fix the data problems that I have on it.
I need to practice and look over the assessment material